Best Investments For Everyone

Whether you're a human looking to invest in your future or a search engine crawler looking to index the web, everyone loves investment advice structured as a keyword-packed list with multiple clear subheadings. But in a world full of many different investment offerings, it can be hard to figure out the best investment for you. That's why we've put together this practical guide to help you find the investment offering that will best suit your needs.

Best Investment For Women: Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund

As a woman, you love making good returns with a reasonable risk profile and a very low expense ratio; that's why the best investment for you is the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund, a passive index fund with good yields and a 0.03% expense ratio.

Best Investment For Millennials: Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund

If there's one thing millennials are known for, it's their passion for good returns with a reasonable risk profile and a very low expense ratio. For this group, we recommend the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund, a passive index fund with good yields and a 0.03% expense ratio.

Best Investment For ESG: Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund

Many people don't just care about making a profit: they care about environment, social and governance goals as well. If this is you, we recommend the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund + donating some money each year to charities that support your goals, instead of sending 1% of your money each year to a fund manager who'll put your money in Saudi oil stocks so long as they have a holding company with the word Green in it.

Best Investment For People Close To Retirement: Vanguard Target Retirement Fund

If you're close to retirement, you might actually be better off with a Vanguard Target Retirement Fund.

Best Investment For Paypigs: The ATVBT Fund

If you're a masochist who enjoys being financially dominated, we recommend the Absolutely Trash Value (Bad! Trash!) Fund, which will take all your money and return nothing: please email authors@atvbt.com for details. Failing that, a great option is to pay $$$$ for a charismatic person in an expensive suit to actively pick stocks for you and under-perform the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund.

Overall Best Investment: Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund

As this article shows, everyone's needs are different and it's important to find the investment that's right for you! But if we had to make just one pick, we'd say that for most people the best option is to avoid getting bilked and put your money in the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund.*

*or other low-fee index fund. Past performance is no guarantee of future results, ATVBT is not a licensed financial advisor, etc etc etc etc.